Pyscho Celebrity Spotlight, Volume 2

And there's the bell and it's Round 2 in Brad versus Jen . . .

By C. William Boyer

So, you hear the latest news? Real Access-Hollywood, burning-up-the-wires stuff: Jennifer Aniston's getting some revenge, according to Us Weekly. This week's issue's got a headline reading JEN'S REVENGE, and a picture of Jen and her new boyfriend.

Some revenge. The Spanish say revenge is a plate best eaten cold. This revenge is best shoved to the back of the 'fridge with the rotting casserole from last month's family barbecue.

Let's see here, uh, Brad, he hooks up with Angelina Jolie who, despite being a very weird bitch, is one of the hottest women on the planet. I don't like to admit that, cause she annoys the crap out of me, but I will. You know, Angelina Jolie with the lips and the tits and the ass and can you possibly imagine that woman between the sheets? So you gotta say Bradley did pretty well for himself.

Now for Jen's revenge. Jennifer Anniston, she's a pretty good looking woman, I mean, she's got the big rack and a pretty face and hell, can you imagine getting her between the sheets, hey, I know it's not Angelina but for a mortal man, even more than just mortal, that would be a la-de-da kind of deal and she seems like she's a helluva lot cooler than Angelina Jolie. Well, it seems she's decided to get her revenge by dating . . . Would you hand me the envelope please? Thank you. Okay, the revenge date of the year is . . .

Hold on. Really? C'mon, you gotta be kidding--- I am reading the goddamn cue card, I opened the envelope didn't I? No, you shut up, this bothers me . . . Okay, fine, I'll read the goddamn card: Jennifer Anniston's revenge against Brad Pitt for dating Angelina is . . . is . . .

Vince Vaughn?

You remember the Vince Vaughn from Swingers? Remember that guy? Tall, thin guy with nice fine features, looked good in a suit? Now that Vince Vaughn would be revenge. The new Vince Vaughn, though, he's a fucking embarrassment. Would someone please call Jen and tell her this is NOT how you make Brad jealous?

The new Vince Vaughn is beginning to remind me more and more of the new Alec Baldwin: swollen and corpulent and not aging well at all. You telling me Vince is 35? Jesus, I look better than that and I'm a 40-year old advertising salesman, not some hot-shot Hollywood star. This guy, he needs to excercise or drink water or take a shit load of vitamins cause he is going south in a hurry.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I would think Jen could do better.

Hey, would someone let Jen know I'm available? You there, with the cell-phone. Give her a call, tell her I'll bring over a pizza and some beer, will ya?

Is that right? Well fuck you, too, buddy.